Finding out I was pregnant

There is hope after a devastating miscarriage.  Below is my story of what I went through, how I overcame it and how you can overcome a devastating miscarriage too.

Throwing up became my morning routine.  This feeling was all too familiar because I had been pregnant before.  I wasn’t trying to become pregnant so it shocked me.  The next day I took a pregnancy test and yep, it was positive!  I started preparing myself mentally for diaper changes, no sleep and preparing bottles.

What is happening to my babies

One day while I was at work, I started bleeding so I went to the emergency room. The nurses rushed me to the back and did an ultra sound to see if the baby was okay.  I remember very vividly the look on her face as she was doing the ultra sound.  It scared me to death!

She quietly informed me that I was having twins. Twins! How could this be?  I hadn’t taken fertility pills so I sat back to take it all in.  Once I pulled myself together I asked her why I was bleeding.  The nurse sadly turned to me and said that I was losing one if not both of my children!  My head was spinning trying to grasp all of the information that was just told to me.

Am I losing them

The nurse showed me the ultra sound.  It appeared to have a spider web look to it.  She explained that it looked cancerous. Now I really was losing my mind.  It was a lot for me to consume all in one sitting.  Excited about having twins and now finding out that they might be taken from me. Why God?  These are my babies, mine I tell you!   I want to get to know them, hold them and love on them.  Anger set in knowing that the doctors might have to do a DNC.

Later the doctor came in and read my charts and ultra sound.  He gently sat down to tell me what was going to happen.  The doctor told me to go to my OB/GYN to discuss having a DNC because I was losing the babies and I could have cancer in my uterus.

Left alone to process everything

He left the room as I sat silently alone to deal with the information that was just handed to me.  I knew I was pregnant and had a chance to process that information.  Finding out I was pregnant with twins and losing them was a different story. Would I ever get over this?

A few days later I went to my OB/GYN and they agreed that it was in my best interest to have a DNC.   The procedure was done a week later.  I remember laying on the hospital bed and the hand rails being so cold.  Everything around me was cold.  No one was allowed to be back there with me so the loneliness consumed me. They rolled me back and removed everything that they thought was cancerous.

Once I came home I became numb to everything.  Weeks went by and I ached for my babies. Days went on where I sobbed from the emptiness that I felt.  I didn’t even know the gender of these precious babies.  How could I ever move forward?  Eventually, the doctor had to give me antidepressants just to cope.  There will be hope after a devastating miscarriage.

There is hope after a devastating miscarriage

Years went by as I had placed my sadness in the back of my thought process. Different things would come up that would remind me of them.  I thought, how am I going to get through this.

A friend of mine had gone through a similar event and she was going to a support group. She shared something amazing with me. My friend told me to pick out a gender for each child and name them.  Next, put their name on balloons.  Then, go outside and release the balloons to heaven as a gesture that I am giving them back to God.

She said they are waiting for me in heaven.  I broke down with tears of joy and agreed to do this.  Quickly I chose names for them.  Their names are Brittany and Brianna and they are my girls.  My girls!  Releasing the balloons made me instantly feel connected to them!  There is hope after a devastating miscarriage.

I will meet them one day in heaven

Something that I had never thought about was that I would see them AGAIN IN HEAVEN! Praise God for this! They are healthy and happy.  When I get to heaven I will run to them and scoop them up to let them know how much I love them and have missed them.  I still get sad sometimes because my other children didn’t get to know them.

I just look up to heaven and praise God for those little humans that He gave me for such a short time.  They were His to begin with and I have to remember that. You know God lost His son too and He was sad.  Jesus is our Savior and the only way to get to heaven is through Him.

If you haven’t accepted Him as your Lord and Savior the time is now.  Find a church near you and ask to speak to their minister/pastor.  I have such a deep passion for you to know my God, who is all loving, knowing and forgiving!  Become reunited with your loved ones in heaven, especially if you have lost a child whether through a miscarriage or death. God is with you always!

God blessed us with a child after losing hope after a devastating miscarriage

Later, I had to take infertility to become pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  Yes there was only one child this time.  Go figure that.  Then we fostered and adopted our other daughter. I have a step-son, son, daughter and adopted daughter now.  We are complete!  Fostering and adopting can be a great thing if you can’t have kids.

God can heal you

There is hope after a devastating miscarriage. God can heal your heart if you let Him.  Try doing what I did and you name your child.  Place their name on a balloon and let it go.  Something about the balloon floating up to God heals your heart.  This is how you can find closure.  Remember that you will see your child in heaven one day in you are a Christian.

If you are going through this and need someone to talk to then leave a comment below.  It is never easy and your sadness will still come and go but that is okay too.

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